JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
