Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
