dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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