His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
