Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
