i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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