he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
