Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry about my life...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
