found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
