Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
