I can text with my tongue
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
