How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
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I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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