I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
