I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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