I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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