i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
