Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
