Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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