I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
