my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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