Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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