im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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