when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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