Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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