I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
