He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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