The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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