Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
