Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
