My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
