I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
