Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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