some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
