my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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