I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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