Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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