i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
