Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
