i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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