I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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