every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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