apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
