If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
