So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
