Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
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