Whoa Z and x make the same sound
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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