My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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