Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.