My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
