while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
