I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
