I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
