my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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