thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were trust falling into bushes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
